....

im not sure


when i close my eyes, i dont know what i see
when i open my mouth, i dont know what im saying

so i guess this is what it feels like.

I

just have to close my eyes for a bit
and once they open
well, here we go


self control..clue out signals....leave....ignore

can there be something this beautiful?

imagine a room...black, and from time to time a light turns on, at that moment you see it and chase it, follow the way you see best
touch it
it jumps
its working
but then i jump?
startled
turned on me


the real one never showed me the ways,
books, personal stories, the elderly replaced that
and maybe im going at it all wrong but somehow its turned out to be my way


i feel trouble brewing at work again
i should never say ok
too much "oh yeah me too"
too much realizing on the other side they were ready for contact
laugh
race you to work
all day
eyes
(look down, look down, oh let me take that off your plate)
then
she is looking, fuck
eye contact
(here is my number)
home
will and i agree
its a shit obligation but we're doing it

my only fear
too high off the ground on a piece of machine
too many factors
falling
no way
too high
but sometimes i have to
and
then
i hear that familiar voice
you know
the one that makes me feel excited

i wonder where we will meet up
sunset please
i want these shadows
after a few drinks
its ok to say well wait....what the fuck

damn you

from when i started till now
absurd in a way

i saw a familiar face..how....umm......oh...ohhhhhh...ughh...oh shit
sad it took me a while

as its happening im not thinking
im feeling
the moment before it happens, there is the eye connection and she(s) usually bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes, bites harder and releases her breath slowly then she opens her eyes and that is why i do what i do
the only time i can really make eye contact

i cant help it im used to the walking away

there is a brick wall for a reason? not a bitter brick wall...just a simple brick wall
i have to think for a bit
ok
i came here fleeing my destruction
i became who i always wanted to be
and the moment i feel a tug back i run
forward
no time to look back

or love


right now its work, career, and the simple adoration of a mystery
its ok to look from afar

she will find a guy who gives her chills and stops her in her tracks
breathless
as much as i wish it were me, i cant commit to that
i want her, nameless joy
in every rotten way, i want her

but

i hold back...dumbass
i look away....idiot

this is why i occupy my time as much as i possibly can, keeping busy as they say
they walk away when the time is right
she is the only one i wouldnt want to walk away

hmm

Gone?

Nope, still there

Fuck

And my final projects have started

a though

and this semester begins to close
finally
misread signals? yes
a shame?
yes
so with that
im throwing in the towel
finals-they'll kick ass
the future? will kick ass

after a long day

Its so hard not to think about it.
It passes from time to time and i shrug it off
always coming back, i just laugh it off
nervous much?
not really, but its not shaking off so easily
keep busy
as it turns out there is a flat on the tire
but ill coast down this hill on the thread
knowing it'll fall apart before i get to my destination.
stubborn
I like to walk around with my head high but i see it and i run into a wall, a pole, a stranger
and the play count is currently 33, which is odd for me.
i wonder what my liver must think of me
i promise him a break but we both chuckle while i order another death and taxes
and i walk home and i want to see this mystery....i go to a corner store, a few tall boys will entertain me uphill
in bed and now its 45 and i should give it a break
46
47
damn damn damn
and the tall boys have failed to do their job
oh yeah....they're light.
and the mystery still lingers, oh oh my oh oh my
who knows?
who knows

drinks in the afternoon, a rant

I grew up at 1711 5th ave in canyon. Its not on google maps. its still the old grid on google, which means its still behind
as a culture it is also behind
the people are backwards
speak in a different dialect, one ive almost forgotten
out here i dont hear those words
i hear nigger, but its more like nigga, and not said by a hick
i get a call
my mother and sister think im like peter pan
i dont wear tights
you'll never grow up, when are you going to come visit
never
what are you doing
drinking
oh
i was called a wetback
why is she still there
fuck

claire is coming in exactly 3 months for one weeks
only part of texas i miss

failure

too nice
too laid back
the reason?
always have a plan b ready. but take care of plan b before plan a. because after plan a fails, plan b becomes plan a.

never miss a beat

never show weakness

continue forward.

looking back takes too long, miss whats ahead.
i am in control always will be too
im out of beer
dammit

310

I showed my friend her photo today

"dude, you never talk about girls"
"i know"
"walk away"
"im trying"
"too late"

probably right
fuck

what compelled me to do that?

finals are coming up and too many options pop around my head

imagine a small room with a door, the walls are clear and so is the door
open the door
throw in a small rubber ball and close the door as fast as you can
watch the ball bounce around
thats how my mind is right now with figuring out my goddamn shots

concentrate

i was advised to pick up a pen
the advantage of being a drunk
pens run out of ink
fuck

me

the tribe i am a descendant from believes a person will finally become non existent after they turn into a moth.
there is a moth flying around my room, so i smack it with my shoe, pick it up and throw it away in the trash. If that was really a person he/she would have thanked me. Horrible creatures.

why did i make this? well....to vent when i need to
and i need to

you see, there was this friend. of course, the moment we started to hang out i wanted to sleep with her. my problem has usually been distancing myself from sex. And it was becoming difficult to not have the urge to ravage her but i really enjoyed her company. the problem with sex is that is makes shit so complicated. i didn't want it to be the situation where we would be alone in the same room and there would be nothing to say.
silence
awkward silence
finally one night...ugh
after that
alone in a room with nothing to say
fuck
so i fuck her friend
fuck
its not awkward
but we cant hang out again
fuck
my luck is terrible
the first girl said i called too much after that night
it was the same as before we fucked
dammit
i lost a friend
oh well
why must emotions always get in the way?
casual lifestyle can get you in trouble
i drink too much
and I'm no good for anyone
but still
i know this girl, sweet, more intelligent than i can ever be and knows how to work
karma has a funny way of letting you know she is around
she doesn't want me
i deserve it i suppose

I love winning

http://amarillo.com/stories/041109/opi_opinion2.shtml#mdw-comments

Sigh

its time to fine tune my schedule this month. A little less play and a little more work. I have a friend who has a great daily routine, she should teach me. Time for some really fun shoots this week, im pretty excited about what I have planned.
when im walking to work i like to listen to conversations, not like a creeper i just love hearing about peoples lives. and today a woman was walking her tourist friend around my neighborhood, they were discussing why she has lived here for so long and her reply was, "everyone is weird, in our own way, we're all sort of weird"
the funny thing is i had that conversation with a friend of mine, its hard to hide the smile when i walk past them
Finally, today my website is officially under construction, should be up in a few days, ill be ordering my business cards this week as well, so funny that this is going to be the first major step towards my career. wish me luck

so

I always hate the first blog. But soon this will be packed. Enjoy the ride... I know i will